Disconnected Smiles

There are times when I journal that I’m truly shocked about what comes out.  I’m definitely a type A personality who has to be in control almost all of the time, which means I tend to manage my emotions well.  It has come to a point where I’m extremely disassociated with my actual emotions. I’ll have my thoughts where I “determine” that it is necessary for me to feel so I set aside a time or place and schedule “feelings time”.  The reality is that my logical method doesn’t work very well. I’ll determine myself to feel all that I have been suppressing, but it doesn’t happen. I have found there are only two different times that I tend to actually let the walls fall, and they are in my car or after a glass of wine or two.

The shaping of my car as a safe place developed when I was in the USMC. I had a roommate in the barracks and when life hit me I couldn’t cry in my room. I wanted to be alone and to be free to express emotion. Therefore I would get in my car and just drive with no destination in mind. This wasn’t always a logical or sensible. There were times I got in my car at midnight and drove for hours aimlessly; emotionally destroyed.  Besides cost effectiveness this was at times simply just dangerous. Obviously tears and being emotionally distraught = safe driving.

When it comes to my glass of wine; I truly believe that I’ve subconsciously use the wine as my permission slip.  It is almost like I tell myself “okay you had a drink now you can feel”, because one or two glasses of wine is not enough to cause the emotional unraveling that sometimes occurs. The wine is my excuse for the rawness of my emotions, because at times they are terrifying and dark….but if I had a glass of wine, then the wine must have exaggerated my emotions.

The reality is that I need to come to a place where my mind and emotions aren’t so disconnected. I need to be able to feel and be genuine. I’ve gone through much and I struggle in being transparent. I fear in being seen as scary, damaged or crazy, although the times I have been honest; I have seen that people see my strength and my tenacity. The hard part is putting this into action and my goal is to do this little by little. I feel there is no greater way to express this then through a poem that I wrote recently.

Lips Sealed, Free Smiles

Joy fills the Surface

Close the Door, Let it Out

Lips Open, Smiles Fade

A pin drops, silent screams

No release, Tear Drops

Chaos, No Sound

Resign, Small Whimper

No focus, Open door

How are you? I’m fine

I’m great, false sounds

Words Choked deep within

Step inside once again

-Rebekah

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One thought on “Disconnected Smiles

  1. I can totally connect with this. Wine is a release that lets you be emotional because you can’t keep the brave face mask on forever. I do that all the time, most people wouldn’t know the torment I’ve endured because I don’t let them see it. But wine, ahhh wine, an excuse to finally cry. xxx

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