The other day as I wrote in my journal I was reminded of the TWLOHA’s Fear vs. Dreams. At the current moment I felt frustrated, and felt burdened by that in some way or facet I would also be crazy or damaged because what has happened to me. There are days that I’m completely normal and other days when I think of people really seeing the real me that it would be too much. I know the horrible things that happened to me, and although being real about that is difficult, it is nothing compared to how that affected me and my actions. I think about it as I’m writing and I feel ashamed. To admit to people that the countless suicidal thoughts were a comfort to me. To admit that I’ve fallen apart and spent an entire weekend in drunken slumber. To admit that in the past that I lost my voice, and found myself unable to say what I wanted, to say no, and not comply to what people wanted. To go along with things, because I was so mentally chained, but the whole time wanting to die, and hating myself for my behaviors. Although quite some time has passed for a majority of these things that happened I can’t be helped but be terrified at what people will think of these things.
This brings me to my Fear Vs. Dreams
Fear- That deep inside all that has happened will make me forever damaged or borderline crazy
Dream- To truly thrive not just survive and be whole spreading joy
Although I seem to be doing just fine right now; my fear is that if one were to strip the busyness of my life and all my goals that I would fall apart. In the times of my life where I experienced suicidal thoughts; what kept me alive was setting goals or having requirements that other people had of me. Whether it be a trip or as simple of being scheduled to sing at church. When bad things happen you keep busy to survive, because feeling it is too much. So I became a master of doing things being productive, loving others, but part of me still feels like I’m still living in survival mode. I’m constantly doing something. I now have two jobs and I sing on the worship team, I’m either planning events or planning trips, All which are wonderful things that are beneficial to me, but what is my motive. Although I know have some real motives, but is one of them staying busy to keep surviving? What if it all stopped? Would I fall apart?
Perhaps I’m thinking too much. It is not like the moments of joy and happiness I have are fake. They are real and sincere, but what my problem is that I think if I feel the all the other emotions that it means I’m back where I was, but that is a lie. I need to feel the emotions whether they are positive or negative. The test comes with what I do with them. Do I simmer in the negative and let myself fall apart or when I feel like I’m at wit’s end I tell someone….I talk about it, and ask for prayer. In the past I would isolate myself, which is dangerous for me, because although it is usually a self inflicted loneliness I begin to believe that I’m not lovable and that I’m truly alone. I do not give myself enough credit, because I really have come so far. I purpose myself to work on the dark places and expose them to the light, and I’m talking about it, and although I still struggle to feel things I believe that will come in time.
Maybe I am still in survival mode, but what does that really matter when I’m doing my part to go in the right direction. God knows the right time for when I need to pause and for things to slow down for me to feel and begin healing another part of my life. I pray that I will listen to his voice, and that I will remember that joy isn’t conditional of my human emotions! Although I still have fears and pain I’m still able to see the beauty in everything that has happened. God has used my pain in such beautiful ways that He allowed me to see along the way. Although I’m not proud of all things that happened they are a part of who I am as a person today, but God can use all the broken places of my life for something greater. I rest in that thought, it doesn’t make it easy, but I take comfort that God won’t waste my pain.
This song came up on my Ipod this week called "Honestly" by Vota. These lyrics are fitting. If you don't see the real me You won't see what mercy's done If you don't see my weakness You won't see what love has won If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun You won't see Honestly There is so much truth in those lyrics. Transparency is not just about my own healing, but to obey God. Where my weakness are great God's grace and mercy shine like a star. My journey from the darkness to the light is where God's power is seen; even if I didn't feel it. So I pray to step by step trust God in how He wants to use every portion of my life. Even the dark places. That even if with my dark times I'm still worth loving, and I'm not crazy with how I feel, but something crazy happened to me.