Self Inflicted

The utter chaos of my life in the past couple weeks has been crazy, but somehow in the chaos I found some kind of inspiration. Of course this came to me while driving in the car and I pulled over to quickly jog down a poem that expressed my train of thought. This poem although very vivid in its words is more symbolic then literal.  The origins of it came from my own life and from other survivors that I have met who have made decisions  or were blind in a relationship and ultimately caused some sort of self destruction. I think many survivors of sexual assault struggle so much with believing that they are worth something and valuable; that when someone comes along who “accepts”  them the blinders instantly go on. It is not to say that the person is bad, but they fail to see incompatibilities that they later are extremely damaging. On a more negative note this “acceptance” is a window of opportunity for someone to be able to take advantage of them.  Sadly I have seen this happen.Even when I have confronted other survivors with  how they are being used the line i hear back is usually the same. ” I know….but they accept me and I love them.” Even though the words I hear before that clearly show they are being used. The reality is that when I hear them I’m reminded of myself and some of my past decisions. I heard my own friends say their opinion, but I wouldn’t hear it. All I knew was that I had someone who knew what happened and accepted me. The reality was that those decisions were self-destructive and caused me more harm in the long run. This following poem is inspired by my own life and through the lives of other survivors that I have met.

Self Inflicted Wounds

Dispersed Between

I love you’s & Acceptance

Blinders on, Damage increases

The Devil carries the blade

While sweet kisses erupt

Jaded thoughts of happiness

Diving in head first

Foolish girl, he doesn’t love you

The blade cuts, blood flows

How could you be so blind

Clarity and Light

Understand your worthlessness

See the Damages, Accept

Only then will the blade fall

Ending this river of destruction

In conclusion, it is not that I want myself or anyone else to see themselves as worthless or damaged, but it is necessary to understand how one views oneself in order to stop self destruction.  I do struggle with feeling damaged at times and I need to know that about myself. The feeling of being damaged goods overflows into the idea that the thought of being worth loving is crazy. This then implies that if someone accepts me “as damages as I am” then I should cling to that no matter what, which is foolish. On the other hand if I come to terms with my struggles and remember that I am worth loving and I’m not damaged then I’m able to stop or prevent self-destructive behavior patterns. The truth is that no matter what I’m worth loving…and I’m  human and I have struggles, but so does everyone else, although they may be different. I may still struggle with these feeling, but being able to recognize and know that I’m worth it makes all the difference, and I thank God for reminding how much He loves me. It is God’s love that is my wake up call when I think that I’m less than what He created me for!

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