It is hard to believe the chaos of my mind at times, from sadness to an almost manic phase. Last week I truly begun feeling some emotions, but in contrast last night as I laid in bed all I could think about what I need/should do , which was apparently how I should make throw pillows for people. I love being creative, but all of a sudden this flood of ambitiousness comes rushing in and I know there is no way I will possibly accomplish it all. The real irony is that this creative OCD comes in about 2 weeks prior to the anniversary of one of the times that I was raped.
Last week my brain already sensed and remembered what happened. Unfortunately the brain is very sensory based when it comes to trauma. All it took for the air to smell just right, or a foggy cold morning, or a smell and the memories come flooding in. I let myself reflect on some of it for a while, to process it, and I began to remember details or facts that I never really noticed before.
Fact #1: I realized that prior to him raping me (about two weeks before) he was literally the 2nd person I told about my first rape (aside from the rape crisis center, and a therapist). Realizing that was truly horrific. I always remembered that I told him, but to think that he was one of the first few people I trusted to tell, that is a whole different story. I know that is also probably information he stored, because I’m sure that is what made me more of a target.
Fact #2: I can’t believe I forgot this to begin with, but when he raped me it had been about a week and a half after I had hip surgery. Without this detail, it made it easier for me to cast more responsibility my way ( the same old why didn’t I fight?, I’m tough…blah, blah blah) but reality was that I was completely vulnerable for that reason.
Fact #3: Later in the day that he raped me; he texted me some sort of vague apology. Now this is my personal speculation, but it could be possible that in his mind that if he apologized the chances of me reporting go down. We are taught as children that when someone says sorry we forgive. Our natural tendency is to say “it’s ok”, and I did say that along with “that will never happen again” In retrospect I highly doubt there was any sincerity, but maybe oops I screwed up I better make sure nothing happens.
The sad thing as I reflected was remembering how much responsibility I put on myself. In my journal I remember saying this exactly ” I hate me for this, but I’m angry at him for not respecting me.” I know at the time I was already beginning the journey into denial. I don’t know how long for me to admit that it was rape. That same month I told my friend the exact story verbatim and their words were “oh my god that was rape!” and my words were “well I don’t know”. I know I told her the story because I was wrestling with the idea, but my mind couldn’t handle it or comprehend it. I literally had just come to terms with the first rape 2 months before. I know part of my self-blame stemmed from a “Godly perspective” “if I never was sinning this never would of happened” . “Although I had no intention of doing anything; I should of known better and not gone over to his place to watch tv and hangout.”. I’m learning to give myself a freaking break. Yes I maybe made some mistakes, but one I’m human and two I was already in a really dark place and I wasn’t exactly thinking rationally. All the girl I was then saw was a guy who liked her and accepted her
Right after the rape happened I remember he got up and I laid there thinking ok if I go to the hospital there is evidence and I could report him, but I never did. As soon as those first thoughts popped in the insidious doubts soon followed. ” Wait everyone at work will know and they will never believe he is a rapist, and they will think I’m a liar” “When they hear my story although I said no or to stop his attempts before I didn’t say no the time I awoke to him raping me” “I don’t know if this falls under the uniform code of military justice definition” Looking back at them now I know some were illogical, but they were what I believed at the time. Once the doubts were there reporting didn’t even matter anyways, because while he raped me the only thought in my head was how I was going to kill myself that day. If I was going to kill myself then reporting was irrelevant. I obviously did not kill myself God/Rational thoughts kicked in, but so did denial. I do know though if I had reported I would of been called a liar, and I would never gotten justice in the military. So denial was safe.
So it is December again and the memories flood in and the tears are winced back, but I know I need to let them out.. So that may mean taking a step back.and sit in the quiet to let God’s healing love in. December ironically has held some pretty pivotal moments in my life, but I rather think of them as stepping stones to the journey to Beauty.