Although I have been making positive progress so far this year I find myself in some kind of emotional place to say the least, and I know more than ever how I need to ensure I’m doing my breathing and yoga. I did my detox like I planned, but the mindfulness I have only done halfheartedly. I honestly need accountability in that area. I told a friend earlier in the week to keep me accountable to doing yoga instead of running. Choosing to do yoga on it’s own is hard for me, because in my head it doesn’t feel like a workout and I’m kind of OCD when it comes to working out. The truth is all the working out in the world means absolutely nothing if my mind is not at ease and I’m stressed constantly….and I can guarantee I would be in even better shape if I committed to Yoga more frequently. I know I need to be more mindful then ever and that includes dedicating even more time to God and let His peace surround me, because right now my brain is restless and indecision fills it. When my brain is in overdrive it is always easy to tell when I have these emotional gasps for air…where for a split second I feel everything….and nothing describes it better than this bit of writing that I wrote about a week ago.
Tears. Trapped. Aching. No answers. Fall beneath the waters -Free- it hurts to breathe. The moments that I came up from the waters gasping for air. The truth is I’m already drowning, suffocating and underneath the water. Survival is holding your breath just to function, but then one comes up for air. The air is frigid and cold; a shot of pain courses through the body as the nervous system responds to oxygen in the blood again. Overwhelming pain and shock, drift below the water to the hypothermic suffocation where pain subsides the mind clouds. A safer place….The fight between the two. Drowning is eluded time after time, but the feet get heavy and the cold welcoming. Distant hallucinations of open waters, sunlight and freedom. One hand above the water, but slowly sinking the tension -the pain- and the illusion of hope……..
The whole point is that I need to live above water. In ways the drowning is when I consume myself with so many things and I can’t think and I feel trapped….because in all honesty I’m a gypsy soul who needs to wander ever so often unintentionally make that impossible for myself