I’ve always had such mixed emotions about my birthday. Usually there have been negative connotations due to not being where I want to be in my life. The idea that I see that as evenly remotely true is absurd, because although many of the things I’ve foreseen for myself have not occurred I have accomplished MUCH! This Saturday will be the 2nd annual Run for RAINN and I already have more participants then last year, and aside from raising money I’ve been able to make a difference in the life of other survivors. I need to remember the reasons why I do this.
As much as I can see the positive things in my life I seem to be overwhelmed by tears on the eve of my birth. I feel alone, which seems ridiculous but I do. I just felt like wanting people around today. I guess part of it is knowing how busy I will be tomorrow that I thought maybe I would do something night. I know that people are not psychic and I have accountability to that, but sometimes I want to feel as if someone has the time or notices me. In the past my birthday has been any other day or where I have taken myself out to eat by myself and treated myself. I’m so used to that idea that any other expectation seems facetious and I don’t raise my hope in others.
I feel as if I’m being utterly ridiculous, but my emotions are haywire. Although I know there are many other factors in that, but all the same I’m struggling and tonight I feel alone. I wish I could convince my feelings what my rational mind knows.