If you could read this……

Many great things have occurred in the  past month.  The Run for RAINN was extremely successful it attracted over 300 participants and raised over 14,000 dollars for RAINN (due to matching supporters) this helps over 1400 victims. I could never of dreamed how awesome it went. The day prior was another milestone. I officially entered into a relationship, and there have been so many indicators of God’s hand and guidance in this relationship. I’m very excited to see how it will grow and develop. Aside from these thing there have been thoughts that have been insidious too…..and it doesn’t surprise me. I have been digging deeper and working through many things associated with the first rape, and all that was fleshed out even more so lately I wrote the following poem shortly after he contacted me.

F- You

 

Year after Year

I long to hear

The truth behind the smile

Flattery to only beguile

Or genuine, mixed with Failure

I swear it will cure

False Hopes, Resounding Silence

The hook goes out

I comply in psychosomatic obedience

Power & control in your hands

If I only knew your goal

Will you enter my land?

Or are you egotistically inclined

When will I let you be denied?

End the Chaos of my Mind

-God Give Me Strength-

There is something in me right now that makes me really want to write to actually literally confront, but I don’t know if I’m being irrational and if the timing is right for me to do so. For me to do this unplanned or spontaneously could be risky hazardous for my personal well being and I believe that it is something that I would mentally or spiritually be prepared for.  The idea began to stir in my mind more due to things at my job. So many times you hear it; that the perpetrator was a picture perfect military member. This allows them so much room, because why would the all star be a rapist? The truth is that appearance of being an exceptional service member is such a common theme among perpetrators.  I know that for me that confrontation will not mean I will hear an apology  or even admittance of their behavior. That is what I have to be so careful of when it comes to my intentions. If my intentions are anything other then allowing myself to express myself then I’m setting up for failure and pain on my part.  I feel as if my mind is all over the place right now. Need to find more cohesiveness to my thoughts.

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