By the Grace of God

It has been awhile and life has been an exciting adventure! I was recently married and I have been loving married life. It has just been over a month since our wedding. We are gearing up to getting back into the swing of things. I will be starting my second year of my MSW and internship. My internship will be through an agency contracted to be the county’s mental health program which includes many different services. I didn’t realize it until today that this was the agency that responds to do an assessment for those who may be at risk to harm themselves  etc,  Life has been wonderful and beautiful, but I was brought back in memories to a different time.

Four years ago I went through a very dark place. I discovered that the person who I had been seeing for about 2 years had got a girl pregnant. I crumbled. I had entered the relationship with the idea that this was “finally the good after all the bad”. I  had been a survivor of rape and this was supposed to be good, but that wasn’t how it ended. There was happiness in that period of my life, but nothing could of prepared me for the blow.  My hope was shot. I knew that good things could happen, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to try anymore or put myself at risk for more pain. I began obsessing over updates and whether he loved her or not, and instead of allowing myself to move on  I focused on how I wasn’t good enough. It’s funny how we know the healthy things for our lives to cope, but how often we fail to do it.  I remember was planning on going to a Zumba class, because I knew that it gave me temporary joy, but instead after reading something negative I chose to have a drink instead. I spiraled out of control. I begun to hurt myself and I had to drink more to keep going.  I knew I wanted to die, but I also felt very alone.  The alcohol that I needed to keep going also lowered my inhibitions and I texted people; they began to see that something was very wrong.  Fast forward I ended up going to the ER. I never was admitted and I was able to go home. I stabilized mentally, but the pain was still there. I went to bed very late that night at home knowing that emotional pain of tomorrow would be worse. I knew that moving forward was much more painful.  

It is hard to look back at this time. Part of  me feels shame for being this low, but I know that this part of my story. This story points right back to God’s grace. Our story isn’t always pretty it can get ugly and dark, but we wouldn’t know daylight, hope, beauty and joy if we never experienced the bad. I know that I’m not alone and that others have been down to the bottom.  I’m not entirely sure that I would of completed it or if that was even my intention. The reality was my pain and how much it hurt to breathe; and the idea of the future hurt, but I’m grateful to God. I never could of imagined my life or future to be where it is.  I knew that there would be happiness again, but God gave me so much more than I ever could of imagined. God has given me a future and the ability to love and impact other people!.

The following is a poem that I wrote during that time.

Once Upon A December

It’s hard to believe that three years has passed

Since thought of suicide help me cope

With the horror occurring to me.

An all too familiar feeling has crept into

Another December.

After one of Bitterness and indifference

And one of a Rare Joy and Happiness

Back to Despair and loneliness

Craving what was lost

How can one stop the life of an undying love?

After three years was any of it worth it?

What if my decision had been different?

Has hope led me to greater loss?

Is my Hopeless Romanticism my ruin?

As much I try to kill them

My dreams float from the depths

Like a cork in the sea

Shall I pour the gasoline and ignite the flames?

Shut the door and accept the truth of solitude?

The temptations linger

After seeing the failure of Great Love

A battered heart needing to find rest

In a quaint harbor from the storm-stricken seas

Or do I let the lingering pain intensify

Through dreams and the faint possibilities of happiness

I had all I ever wanted and it is gone

There is no hope in this world

The promises are for eternity and that all will be repaid.

So why hope for joy and love in this world

When it was never promised.

Once upon a December

I chose hope and dreams

What this December brings I have yet to decide.

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